I was married for over 20 years to a good man. He was a great provider and a hard worker but he was also a real hard man in every way. He never showed any appreciation for everything I did running our home, farming and rearing our children and also keeping a job. He never paid a compliment or told me he loved me.
Eventually, I felt I needed more and I left. I met a man who was the opposite in so many ways. He tells me every day he loves me. Hes always in good humour. He is a good few years older than me but we have it in a way I never had it with my husband.
We have the same sense of humour, same interests, we have the same qualities. I love him very much but there have been a few occasions when Ive questioned my trust in him as he has lied about a few things from time to time.
When I met him first he told me hed never had an affair before he met me. He said he had a one-night stand here and there but never an ongoing thing with any one woman. But a few months ago, he told me about having met a woman many times over a long period of time and they are still in touch.
He has her name in his phone as a mans name. He told me he discussed our relationship with her. But why would he have been discussing me if this relationship ended, as he said, long ago, unless they are still close?
He has disappointed me so much and everything I believed in has now changed. I dont do lies and would prefer the truth to a lie any time. Now hes changing what he told me initially, making me doubt my trust in him, and I question what else he has lied about. I know he was unfaithful to his wife nearly all his married life.
I believe people only lie if there is something to hide. Lying seems to come easy to him, even in his line of work. I know he calls to see her every few weeks. While deep down I believe theres probably nothing going on, part of me wonders why they are so close.
Mary replies: Even though you say you have the same qualities, you do not, because you are fundamentally different regarding telling the truth.
This man spent many years deceiving his wife and doesnt have a problem lying in his line of work. So it is part of his nature to lie, whereas you would prefer to hear and, indeed, tell the truth, no matter how unpalatable that truth may be.
I can understand him being economical with the truth when you first met. When people are first getting to know each other, they have no way of telling how the relationship will develop, if at all, and so they are inclined to paint themselves in the best possible light.
It is only when they get to the next deeper level, emotionally, that they feel safe enough to divulge some of their secrets, and in time reveal more and more. This may well have been the case with this man he wanted you to think highly of him and so he lied about his past. Subsequently he told you the truth, that he had in fact had an ongoing affair while still married.
But because he has a tendency to lie, you question it when he says the relationship with this woman is over and they are now just friends, implying that they are no longer having sex. But do you believe him? And if he is simply friends with her and enjoys her company, are you all right with this, or do you want him to stop seeing her altogether?
If you are ok with him visiting her, ask that he tells you when he plans to see her and to tell you afterwards how it went. If you want him to cut the ties, then it is quite possible that he will agree, but will continue to see her. Its all a question of trust but you dont have much of that right now. So explain your position and ask him to help rebuild your trust by being fully honest with regard to this woman.
You can contact Mary OConor anonymously by visiting dearmary.ie or email her at dearmary@independent.ie or write c/o 27-32 Talbot St, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence.Mary OConor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.
I was married for over 20 years to a good man. He was a great provider and a hard worker but he was also a real hard man in every way. He never showed any appreciation for everything I did — running our home, farming and rearing our children and also keeping …
